Not a Poem but a Thought

I lay awake, the ceiling spinning, emotions flowing through my heart, an unsteady rhythm of unclear consequences. It’s been months since I’ve felt this way, months since the pain of reality has surged into my mind, an unwelcome flood of destruction.

I always struggled with the night, with the sounds of my breathe and the cars passing slowly outside. I always struggled keep my mind in my body, to pin my soul to my bones and not drift off into another existence, where the world is free from drifting minds.

Thoughts crash into me, sending me skidding through the alleyways of my emotions, and with memories as walls, I begin to fall into the past, into times that I do not want to see again.

Your face laughing, the curve of your smile as it calls to me, beckons me further into my own mind. You grab my hand and pull it to your chest, to your lips, and release. But I cannot move anywhere, but I cannot move forward or backward. I am stuck. You grab for my waist and pull your body to mine, a long hug that deserves no end. I grab for you, cling to you, run my fingers through your hair only to find air, to find space, to find emptiness around.

I bang against the bed and scream into my pillow. The past has returned with a vengeance. You have returned to my mind. And as I sob out my memories and let them drift away with my tears, I feel a growing panic inside me, a growing urge to escape, to run away from my body, from my mind, from what cannot be escaped, from what I must stay with eternally.

The memory of you is etched in my soul and with your absence, I lose more of myself each day, each night that reminds me of what you once were, of what we once were, of being happy.


Poem: As You Walk Away

I’ve always loved the rain
For the soft splattering from the sky
That is absorbed into the ground
The way my tears soak into
Your skin as you tell me
That it’ll be okay.

Okay remains a variable
Constant that simplifies
The absorption of our love
Into the world around us.

We’re losing each other
As the drop loses itself
In the concrete pavement,
Run down by cars,
Empty of emotion
Until it separates
Inevitably alone
In an unfamiliar world.

It’ll be okay, you say,
As my tear dries on your skin,
And as you walk away

Poem: An Alcoholic Honesty

Running away into a haze of
Alcohol-induced illustrious
I’m left with too many words
Dribbling out of my mouth,
As if honesty is a free
Commodity that leaves no one
Worse off,
The facade that too much bubbly

And so I’m left in the morning
With ringing ears,
Pulling the veneers shut to
Block off the reality of
What happened the previous night,
A foggy impersonation of a memory,
All the words I should have left unsaid
Tumbling into view as I
Told my heart to you,
Under the haze of wandering hands,
Gleaming side-glanced eyes,
And an alcoholic honesty that
Leaves the morning a question
That more champagne cannot answer.

Poem: Teary-Eyed Sadness

A little teary-eyed sadness never hurt anyone, right?
Please, please tell me that
I am unequivocally, undeniably correct, that
The world would be incomplete without this
Spinning hole taking hold right where my
Ribs span together, a protective cage,
That guards more than just my organs.

Please let me know that this indescribable feeling
Fades faster than fire without oxygen.
Please? Please make my fears unfounded.
Please hide the world away.
Please take away this feeling.
Please let me take on another day
With a true happiness, not a mask,
A smile that doesn’t lack
Any sincerity.

A little teary-eyed sadness doesn’t hurt anyone,
She whispered, trying to contrive any possible way
That she could be correct,
That things will get better.
That everything will be okay.

Poem: Do It for Us

You lock yourself away from reality, 
Into a little apathetic world of attempting
Not to care so as to not stare
Depression, loneliness in the face. 

You hide behind a line between
A stream of tears and a mindless
Destruction of mind. 

You cut me out, 
A fraying piece of fabric
In an attempt to save the rest of yourself, 
But don’t you realize that you’ll 
trim yourself away until
There’s nothing but withered ends?

Don’t leave me here alone in an estranged city, 
Lost with memories and no hope. 

Don’t leave me alone without a little bit of 
Something to hold on to, to help me cope. 

I just need you as much as you need 
To escape yourself. 
Just when you leave, 
Try not to leave me too. 
Try to hold yourself together. 
Try to bare this awful weather
Of whether or not we’ll survive
We. Plural. Us. Ensemble. 

Do it for me? 
Do it for us.