Poem: I miss you

I miss that look in your eyes
That told me that my world was safe,
That the plans for the future
Would remain unchanged.

I miss your hands,
The way they carressed away reality,
An elixir given to stave away
The banality of living.

I miss your lips,
The way their touch would stop
My heart and head and would
Save my mind from thinking,

I miss the way your body
Would surround me when I panicked,
When the world became impossible,
When you would ensure that I was okay
And that the world was safe and worth every day.

I miss you.
Come home.

Poem: You… You were wrong

“Sarah, sweetheart, you’ll have it easier next year” He mumbled, moving his hand to my cheek, gently wiping away a tear. “You’ll have new friends, new experiences, new places to go and new things to do. You won’t forget. You’ll never forget. But you won’t miss me as much as you think you will.” He wiped away another tear.

You were wrong, babe.
In the worst possible way,
For now, who is here to wipe my tears?
To tell me that it’ll be okay?
To tell me that another day,
Is just another day?
Where can I go when this feeling of loneliness
Can’t stop eating at my heart,
Until I feel like drinking away all emotions,
All sanity, all thoughts, all my humanity?

You were my refuge,
Where can I go now?
You were my home,
I’m not there anymore..

Hell, I can’t even write poetry

I miss you, Bri.
More than I can handle…
You were just wrong…
That’s it.

Secret: I’m not telling you

I sit, watching that stupid distracting show, curled into a ball, sitting on a chair that has held me millions of times before. I nibble on the food blandly lying on my plate before me, with a non-existant appetite.

I don’t know what to say to the world, and frankly I just don’t care anymore. permanently on the verge of tears, I stare into nothing, and wonder why I’m not at the dance raging across the quad, why I like the guy who won’t like me back, why the world is so cruel as to make me feel like a completely overspoiled, over-enduldged, luck-ridden person for feeling sorry for myself for these simple everyday occurrences, while people else where suffer much worse.

Today Ryan was arguing with someone who was asking “what aren’t you telling me Ryan?!” over and over again, and he turned to me, and says “Now how do you even begin to answer that question? What aren’t you telling me?”

I’m not telling you that I’m head over heals for you.
I’m not telling you that a single kiss would mean the world.
I’m not telling you that I would give anything just to earnestly look into the vibrant green eyes and see the same feelings I have returned.
I’m not telling you why I always end up by your side
I’m not telling you that I relive that night every single day and ask myself why not?
I’m not telling you that I can’t believe your excuse that I’m too young.
I’m not telling you that when you look at me curiously, and make innuendos, I hope so very much that you mean them.
I’m not telling you the truth, Ryan.

I’m not telling you a hell of a lot.

Secret: No Matter What I Lose

He just looks at me with that mischievous glimmer, as if he knows a secret the world is vying for, as if he’s willing to tell me that secret, and all I have to do is ask.
But I can’t do that.
He’s a senior. No matter what, I lose.

If I start a relationship with him, let it be just a one night thing or casual dating, we’ll be stuck in a relationship that never ran its course, forever on the minds of both of us, forever leaving us with what ifs that could span days, months, years, until that relationship is over with- except it never will be.

If I don’t do anything, I’m left with even more what ifs, those nagging questions that stir your stomach and leave your plates full before you. They take away your hunger by scavenging at your mind, making you think, making you wonder, making you dream of what could have been if you could just take that chance and lean in for that kiss.

No matter what, I lose.

If I do something, I have the taste of the chocolate still lingering on my tongue long after it’s left.

If I do nothing, I’m left to crave what I can’t have.

No matter what, I lose…