Flutters

Memories recorded by the mind loop around,
Chasing travesties,
Longing for the true flutter of the heart when a hug lingers,
Fingers peeling away slowly drifting over the small of your back,
Glancing shyly in your eyes.

But wait– This description, this depiction is incomplete.

As it shifts through retelling your eyes fade from blue to brown
the touch hovers one second less
and the flutters fade.

I cannot feel the moment I fell in love with you.

I can only feel nostalgia for an evanescent thought that will one day too drift away.

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Poem: Like Confetti

Torn Heart,

Strewn across the grass like confetti after the piñata
breaks, the forgotten aftermath of momentary luster,
only to be trodden on by the party-goers drunk on
their own invulnerability,
the feeling that infinity can be grasped and that
the world stops turning when you stare at the moon,

your friends skip down the night-shaded streets,
never looking down to see the ground sink into the distance
and feel the weight of their consciousness, of their existing
on such a night where
your heart is tattered by your thoughts,
by your inability to breathe with ease

 

your Torn Heart lays strewn across the grass like confetti
in celebration of your anxiety

 

 

Poem:Not Again

I think of you when my eyelids flicker against the sunlight,
A brief flash, a memory of imagined dreams that tease
My soul with a cautious longing for your hand in mine

I think of you when nighttime consumes the sidewalks and
The thin cracks expand into caverns that must be avoided
For the safekeeping of my beating heart.

I think of you when the forks clatter against dishes and
Waiters buss them away, stealing the leftovers of my meal,
Cleaning the mess that I try not to create.

Escape my thoughts,
Runaway from my senses,
For I do not want you to become absorbed by my mind,
To become a part of me as so many others have
In broken-hearts passed

Poem: Walls

When you laugh,
Your eyes reveal a depth of kindness,
A well of affection that spills forth,
A tide of love for others,
If only you could feel your own warmth.

Your walls sit high and line your eyes,
A barrier to keep out others
But when you smile at me,
See that I am not bothered by
The love in your soul that sits
Smothered by reality,

Your walls do not define you
Nor do they prevent you from finding love,
For even with your walls
I still find myself entranced
By an imprisoned person.

I want to free you from your soul.

Not a Poem but a Thought

I lay awake, the ceiling spinning, emotions flowing through my heart, an unsteady rhythm of unclear consequences. It’s been months since I’ve felt this way, months since the pain of reality has surged into my mind, an unwelcome flood of destruction.

I always struggled with the night, with the sounds of my breathe and the cars passing slowly outside. I always struggled keep my mind in my body, to pin my soul to my bones and not drift off into another existence, where the world is free from drifting minds.

Thoughts crash into me, sending me skidding through the alleyways of my emotions, and with memories as walls, I begin to fall into the past, into times that I do not want to see again.

Your face laughing, the curve of your smile as it calls to me, beckons me further into my own mind. You grab my hand and pull it to your chest, to your lips, and release. But I cannot move anywhere, but I cannot move forward or backward. I am stuck. You grab for my waist and pull your body to mine, a long hug that deserves no end. I grab for you, cling to you, run my fingers through your hair only to find air, to find space, to find emptiness around.

I bang against the bed and scream into my pillow. The past has returned with a vengeance. You have returned to my mind. And as I sob out my memories and let them drift away with my tears, I feel a growing panic inside me, a growing urge to escape, to run away from my body, from my mind, from what cannot be escaped, from what I must stay with eternally.

The memory of you is etched in my soul and with your absence, I lose more of myself each day, each night that reminds me of what you once were, of what we once were, of being happy.

Poem: Why Does it Matter

If I break your heart tonight,
Hold onto its pieces until
I can bring them back together,
A shattered replica of the past,
A reminder that things will not last
That things will not be the same
As they are now.

What is the meaning of this all,
Of the world, of reality
If it is but a fallacy,
A perception of what could never be?

Why does it matter if I break your heart
Or if you break mine
Or if we get lost in the throws of time
Or if we end it all tonight?

Why does it matter if we live or die
If we carry on again to beg
For restitution
To speak to a god
That is not there
That can do no good
To heal our lost minds?

why does it matter if I breathe or cry
Tell the truth or suffocate
On all the lies
That I tell to last one more night.

Poem: Into Music

As I fade into the music,
As I drift into the beat,
I lose my soul to a rhythm
That pounds the sounds of my mind
And lends my heart quiet.

I lose my soul to a rhythm
That saves my breath and
Allows me to breathe at ease,
With the tugging of desperation
Relinquished.

I lose my soul to a rhythm
That closes my eyes
And drifts me into a state of
omnihuman,
A state of being beyond myself.

A state of not quite there,
But full immersed in the beat.

A state of almost alive,
Where the world is almost sweet.

As I fade into music,
I become free.