A break up, in the heat of the moment, can seem like the worst possible catastrophe to occur in your life… and then you remember that things like famine exist. Yet, those problems are so distant, so far away from our cushy first-world lives (in many cases), that to us, the directness of a break up, of losing that one light in your life seems crushing, crippling in some cases.
One week out from essentially being dumped, I’ve come to the somewhat-sane conclusion that it was all for the best, that the world breathes a little easier and the stress that had hung heavy under my eyes for a month has slowly faded to maybe one dark bag.
Because… if a relationship leads to a break up, then that relationship was already broken.
I had spent the past month living under the delusion that the past would remain the future, that the world was a continuous strain of love and happiness, in my naive, love-struck mindset that we could be that couple that makes it past high school. But baby, it takes two to tango.
And the fact of the matter was he didn’t have his dancing shoes on.
So, thus, I felt left out, a dancer that had leaned back in a trust fall and landed on the ground… and in a way, I guess that’s what happened. But we were on different levels, but the distance drove our problems at us face first, but he couldn’t handle my not being there, but he started to like someone else and became confused, but life got in the way of love.
Isn’t that what usually happens?
I’m not going to pretend that I’m currently frolicking in a meadow of daisies (hell, it’s finals season. I wish I were doing that). It sucks, and I miss him and I still love him. I go to bed every night without the warmth of his memory because his memory makes me cry. I tear up at the thought of how good we were, how pure and innocent and new. I bemoan the fact that it ended, but as much as I want to fight it, it did and I can’t change that.
The dance is over.
There are so many emotions that are flowing through me that I can’t even begin to write them all down. I’m sure future posts will come.
But in the mean time, I should probably put this sought-after cubicle to good use. Maintenant, j’étudie. Adieu.