What happens when love fades?
Last night, we both drank in my basement and I uttered the inevitably painful,
“You don’t love me anymore, do you?”
“Can I abstain from answering?” he slurred.
I laid back on the bed, closed my eyes and didn’t move.
“I knew it.”
And the tears came. They came suddenly, a massive rush, as he leaned over me, pulling me into a tight hug until suddenly he was shaking, sobbing loudly, repeating over and over,
“I just want it back; I want that feeling back more than anything. I want to be excited to talk to you. I want to love you again, I don’t want to be that asshole, I just want it back but it isn’t back and I was hoping it would be but it isn’t… I have to break up with you and that’s the last thing I want”
For three hours, three hours of snot, spit, and my comforting my now ex-boyfriend who I am still very much in love with, who I would do anything for, will do anything for, including stay there and make sure he’s alright.
When he calmed down, I broke again, and started crying… he hushed my sobs with a kiss, and soon pulled me into one of the most impassioned moments of my life. Then, pulling away, he mumbled “I love you.”
“What the fuck?”
“I love you… I felt it right there, I knew it still existed. It’s still there. It’s gone now… but I felt it.”
And we went on and continued to other things that ended with us curled up on a blanket outside, my staring at the stars, curled into his body, us together like nothing had ever happened.
In the morning, we decided that a break would be most adequate, that we’re complicated, that the world is difficult, that not everything can go as planned, and if anything changes within the next three weeks, we’ll see where we go from there.
If not, if the love isn’t back, if he truly likes this sophomore and she’s not just a bitch replacement for me, then I will find a way to move on. Until then, I’ll bide my time. He’s still my best friend, regardless of love, and he’s still the one I want to talk to everyday. But I’m going to resist that, let time fester, see if he misses me… if he doesn’t, I have a feeling we’ll be continuing something along the lines of best friends with benefits, at least for a little while.
This morning it was as if nothing had changed but everything had, the laughter, the kidding, the playfulness had returned. We had returned. The love… at least for him, I suppose, just hadn’t. I hope it does in time…
Life is a painful transition period that never ends and it fucking sucks, but this is all a part of growing up, isn’t it?
Time heals all wounds, but creates new ones. What doesn’t kill us doesn’t always make us stronger, but hopefully it doesn’t eternally maim us. But I mean, eventually we die. So.
There’s always that!
Time to hit the train back to DC… until later.