This week I came to the realization that in order for my relationship to survive, I have to let it change as time pulls us further and further apart. It’s been around two months since the “real” long distance began, since I went off to college around 400 miles away. In many ways this has been the most difficult situation of my life, the most painful, but in many ways, it’s made us grow stronger.
On Monday, I received the terrifying message from my boyfriend that he was interested in hooking up with this girl at our high school. I felt betrayed, horrified, and above all terrified. The world spun, quite literally, as I prevented myself from having a panic attack. To be fair, we are in an open relationship, but I was unprepared for the suddenness in which the relationship had, in fact, become open. To me, it was still as if nothing had changed, while everything in the world had.
I pulled an all-nighter that night, my thoughts spinning, tears flowing, as I tried to confront my biggest fear: I wasn’t good enough. This conception, this fear had no merit, as I sat on the phone wit him slowly repeating “You are better than anyone I know. You are good enough. I will never leave you for her. I will always be there for you, why can’t you understand that?”
And why couldn’t I? I guess it’s the innate problem I have with truly accepting the fact that I deserve this relationship, that I deserve to be this happy, that I’m good enough for him to stay devoted to throughout this long distance relationship. With the revelation that he was interested in this other girl, it was if he were proclaiming his intention to leave me.
I’ve since calmed down, since… slowly accepted the fact that our relationship has changed, but his love for me hasn’t. And in order for the love to remain strong, to gain strength, I have to accept that our relationship must change, that I must let it evolve with time, and just trust that he’ll come back to me. Lord knows that I hate trusting people. I struggle with it. But for him? For him, I can manage. I can bide my time until the point where we can, in fact, be together once more.
I’ve never been more in love with my boyfriend. I’m only eighteen, but lord knows I could stay with him for the long run, it’s just a matter of getting through the obstacles that come with the modern world, that come with life, and that come with self-doubt.