Goodbye to Myself

I usually don’t subscribe to following these type of things, prompted posts, usually drawing my own ideas from life in general, but this one, I found intriguing. I’m going to write a few different eulogies: one from a kid who hates me, one from my boyfriend, and one from myself. Try to differentiate.

Sarah attempted to be always there for me, if that means anything at all. She often claims that she’s thinking of people, that she wants to help, when in reality she sits there and flirts with every walking dick she sees, but it’s okay, because I love her. I really do, and I hate myself for it, but now that she’s gone, I’m free. I’m free from the oppression of Sarah because whenever she walked into the room I had to notice her… I couldn’t escape it. I understand that everyone here is grieving for her, and I am too, in a way. But I’m grieving for my loss of her, loss of someone to love rather than her as a person. She screwed me up, screwed me over, but never screwed me. What can say? Women.

She changed my life in so many ways I never told her about. She’s the only person I ever let through my walls, the only person I actually wanted to talk to every morning, every night… the only person I loved. Or I think I loved her. I really do. I’ve always been skeptical of high school love, of love in general, but she made me optomistic for a future, with the belief that things can work out and that if we truly try hard enough we could stay together for the rest of our lives. I never realized that the rest of our lives would be… so short. Too short. Maybe that’s what people, 80 year old high school couples, say. That life’s too short and they spent too much time bickering over things that didn’t even matter, too much time planning for the future, a future that won’t come and I don’t know what I’ll do without her. I didn’t know what I’d do without her when we went to college… I never expected this to happen. I’ve always been an atheist, sworn only to turn to God in times of crises. But, God, this is a time of crisis… and Sarah, I miss you, babe. I love you.

I found this in her desk, written in soft, barely legible hand writing. I will read it to you know

“To everyone who’s there, and those who are not, this is goodbye. I’m not masochistic, suicidal or morbid- okay, maybe a little morbid for writing this- but I’m just getting down some thoughts I’ll never say. 

Brian, you are my world. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a guy and more and I love you. I’ve been biting those words back for a month, but I can say it now. I love you. I love you. I love you. And going to college next year will be the most difficult experience of my life because you won’t be there to hold me up when I start to fall. If you’re hearing this, I hope someone’s there to hold you up. I really do. 

Mom, Dad, I’m sorry. Put all your energy into Kate and don’t become too overprotective of her- she needs to breathe and she can’t be me. I love you both more than you know and you did the best job possible raising me under any circumstances imaginable. 

Katie… Katie, all my friends will be there for you, and all your friends will too. Talk to Brian, he can help. I love you and I’m proud of everything you do. You know that. I’m so proud of you. You’re a better person than I’d ever be.” 

The rest of the handwriting was illegible.

Well that was a morbid post.


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