Secret: The Bitterness of Solitude

I sit here alone again, wishing the words to appear from the tips of my fingers, a symphony of sentences, each with its own unique phrase, its own unique rhythm, and beat, which I, the conductor, may control. I sit here alone again, questioning the world for what we have become, for what we were, and for what we shall evolve into, a future I’m frightened of seeing.

We live in a world where solitude is frowned upon, relationships questioned, lies told, people killed, people driven to the point where they themselves commit suicide. We live in a world full of tragedy so grave, so miserable and heart wrenching, that no one can escape or forget the pain of sorrow. Everyone always says that without pain one could never truly appreciate the love the world holds, the kindness in human nature; it’s a proverb which I subscribe to, but one which I longingly look at and wonder ‘where has my love gone?’

I go to a nerd camp every summer, CTY, but I don’t return each year for the brilliant academics; I return for the people. This year in particular was fantastic; everyone in my friend group was coupled off, myself included, and every minute was cherished by each and every one of us. The kid I was with, lets call him Fish, was unbelievable- but not perfect.

Everyone has their flaws. He wasn’t the best kisser, and he’s a crazy far-left liberal who loves to talk, and he’s slightly clingy. But regardless, the characteristics one admires overshadow the minor problems. He writes brilliantly, always says what’s on his mind, truly cares for you and treats you as if you are the person of his dreams- regardless of whether or not that’s true. He and I hold dramatically opposing political view points, always differing in one subject or another, which always lead to great debates which were sealed with a kiss. Our relationship was short at best, maybe too short to even be described as a relationship, but how can one describe such a personal, emotional thing properly?

After the camp ended, we talked as if nothing had changed, as if we hadn’t been together, as if we still didn’t have feelings for each other. There’s an essay, under ‘The Random Homework Assignment’ in which I describe a text conversation we had, and from that you might understand the complexities of such a short relationship. I sat head over heels for a guy who resides three hundred miles away, three hundred miles too far. We talked daily, rarely having a lapse in conversation; and then he got a girlfriend.

Now I sit staring at his facebook status, the sole communication I receive from him- if you can even call it that, considering it’s directed at the rest of the world, not me- announcing his two month anniversary with his girl friend. Now here I sit alone. Now here I sit questioning the rights and wrongs behind relationships, and judging how long they will last, praying that a discretion comes into play over the summer, hoping that I will not sit here alone this summer at camp.
Is that selfish? Yes, but I’m sorry, that’s just how I feel.

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