And I have no idea how to get back up.
One of them has been mentioned before ( Ryan, in https://xmakemedreamx.wordpress.com/2011/03/27/connect-four/) and another one, whom I believe I’ve only mentioned once or twice- Danny.
Ryan’s a senior, and with eight weeks left of school, time is running away from me- every second is precious, but I don’t know how to use them to their fullest extent. Sometime way back in May of 2010 I started falling for him, just a crush, but I never expected anything of it. As two good friends normally are asked, people questioned whether or not we were dating- we weren’t. So, summer came and went, and my sophomore and his senior year started. My crush passed, as I rarely saw him because of two completely different schedules. Even though he lives in the dorm right next to mine, somehow I only managed to say hi to him about once a week.
This was all good until that night mentioned somewhere in that link above, where we came incredibly close to kissing. Ever since then, he’s been on my mind, forever there, forever tormenting me and making me question and wonder what would have happened if either one of us had just leaned in for that kiss. During that night, every time he brushed my skin sparks exploded, sending goosebumps up my arms. Why was I so stupid? Why didn’t anything happen?
I actually asked him that once, but that’s a different story for a later post.
Now this other kid, Danny, He’s a sophomore just like me and in two of my classes, sharing one of the same time blocks free. I see him every single day, except sunday’s, and he never fails to make me smile. He’s a decent friend, but he doesn’t know me. He knows the person I show at school, the one that everyone else thinks they know, but he hasn’t been let in yet, because we just haven’t spent enough time together outside of classes to break down that barrier. On the other hand, i personally don’t know him that well either, as much as I wish I did. Every time I go to ask a question I shy away from the topic because I’m too afraid that he’ll give me a strange look and never talk to me again- which is a completely ridiculous thought. I’ve liked him on and off since around November of 2010, and I personally have no idea what to do with him. I have no idea whether or not he likes me or hates me, thinks of me as more than a friend, or if he even considers me comme une amie. I just don’t know.
They’re both different people. Ryan’s the caring, outdoorsy type who I can’t get out of my head; he has these piercing eyes, which whenever lock upon mine seem like they’re searching for something, anything, that I’ve left out. Danny’s the athletic, and academic, and yet he’s also attractive. Somehow he doesn’t act like a douche with all this going for him- I’m not quite sure how that managed to happen, but trust me I’m grateful.
I really don’t know how to shake either of these guys from my psyche, or what to do about either of them. I’m far too shy to tell either one of them the truth, but the truth is what’s keeping me from what I want.